An Officer & a Crook: Chapter Five

John is seized by temporary insanity and rushes off after Deanna, still standing in the foyer apparently.

The authors, never ones to misrepresent police tactics, have a moment of epileptic insanity where they decide that the direction the plot is going is the wrong one.

The bikers make some threatening ape gestures and John tackles Deanna, shielding her from potential gunshots with his own body.

Less sexy.

Some guns go off, which is delivered with all the drama of:  Oh, poo, it's raining.

For all concerned parties, both our beloved main characters survive this intact.

As this is a Christian novel, there is no description of bullets hitting people, blood splattering, dying slowly while their internal organs rupture, brain being splattered on the window, none of the stuff that makes a novel decent.

Instead, we cut into another scene, no description of the bikers getting shot or making an escape, nothing.

Now Deanna is a journalist and was doing a story on the diner.  In her briefcase, the police found incriminating evidence of some kind regarding McCartney that the owner of the diner slipped in during her interview with him, which would not incriminate the owner in any way, apparently.

Apparently, McCartney handles loose ends himself without henchmen and was waiting in the parking lot for Deanna to get to her car so he could murder her or some shit, but the police intervened, then she intervened back.  Then was arrested for assaulting an officer.

"Deanna was speechless. John could see that."

Brilliant writing.  I am fucking stunned.  What poetry, what divinely inspired prose.

Well, it fits right into the fucking Bible.

John asks Deanna out and they agree to go to... Earl's Diner of all places, which apparently won't be closing due to the owner being arrested for criminal involvement, nor will the police be swarming the place en mass looking for more evidence and lackeys floating around.

Deanna is acquitted of all charges, John isn't fired, and McCartney goes to prison.

...  You know what?  Sure.  Deanna is more than likely a little white girl, John is a cop so of course he isn't fired for being stupid (probably just paid leave), and McCartney is a criminal of some kind, though certainly no mastermind.  His evil plan barely consisted of thought and hardly warranted even a foul chuckle, let alone maniacal laughter.

I mean, why the fuck would you insist the biker gang break into the police station and kidnap Deanna?  It makes no fucking sense!  Do we ever learn what happened to the rogue biker gang?  No!  Why does so much Christian media think "we need some kind of scary group of people--Oo, biker gang!"  What the fuck even, you losers.

Terrifying.

... Okay, yeah sure--I get it.  Here's the breakdown:

Leather = sexy.

Bikers = leather.

Half-naked girl on a bike = sexy.

Tattoos = awesome.

Piercings = awesome.

All of the above = my pants feel funny.

My pants feel funny = sin.

Sin = Satan.

Satan = Scary.

Math.

Deanna's car magically materializes in the police station parking lot (this is the real story, right here, folks) and John walks her out to her car.

It ends with this:  "This seems to be the beginning of a beautiful relationship."

That last cliche did it.  I am presently bleeding out of my side as if I had taken a spear through the chest like Jesus.

I will return next week after I have risen from the grave.

Final thoughts:  I liked it because it was short and didn't too badly trigger my gag reflexes.  When it climaxed, it was so underdone I barely noticed it and the ending was just as weird and confusing as the beginning.  I think a pube is stuck between my teeth.

Wait, I was supposed to talk about the book, wasn't I?  Fuck.

The next book I'll be doing is Gone:  A Novel About the Rapture by Edwin Lint.