A Father's Discipline: Chapter 4

To be honest, when I looked at the title and the cover of this book, I expected it to be about a father using Jesus to justify beating his kid.  You know, the whole "spare the rod" bull shit.  I'm happy to say, this book has thus far not been about blatant child abuse apologetics.  Unless thinking of your kid as a "prize" counts as abuse, and honestly, that's dehumanizing so yeah, it might be.

Please don't prove me wrong.

"The only consolation was that Rose Ann was deeply impressed with her, even in professional lawyer mode."

At first, I thought this might just be Jimmy boy observing Rose Ann and his secretary getting along, then I kept reading.  It only get more confused.

There are two lines that seem like they should be flashback, but they are written as if the people speaking them are in the room.  Using my imaginaaaaation, I am going to pretend that the sentence about Rosie Annie pushing "play" on a voice recorder existed.

"I hear the Lord saying for you to hold on to his righteousness."

Christians tend to capitalize "he" when referring to their god doing shit.  They're usually really in your face about it.  What is proof reading?

More importantly, Rose Ann hears voices and attributes these voices to her god.  I realize this isn't unusual, but it is super creepy when people talk about this like it's totally normal.  It's not normal to hear voices, people.  We call that "schizophrenia".  Of course, you know, psychology is a tool of the devil.

She goes on to say, verbatim I'm assuming, what the voices say.  In my mind, she gets a deep manly voice and goes on to talk about Job being tested and discipline and other garbage.

"Jim pondered the words in his heart"

I wasn't aware that we could ponder with our hearts.

Rosie Annie goes on to say that she will "assume the role of a grieving mother" and basically use an emotional plea in "the prize's" defense.

"That should grip them right in the heart"

Ah, Christians.  You're not allowed to swear or pretend that genitals exist, so I'll say it for you:  Grip them right in the pussy.

They're going to plan for an all-female jury of mothers and grandmothers.  Because, you know, it's unnatural for women to not have kids.  And of course women will be so much easier on a teenager than a man and so much more likely to fall for an emotional plea.  Sorry, no.  As someone whose genitalia doesn't dangle, I find it much easier to ply the hearts of men than women.  Why?  Because women see through my bull shit and men are swayed by cleavage and tears.

They never think to use things like "first offence" or "he's a minor" or "good family" or "affluenza."  Nope--plea to emotion.  Logic!

They start teasing and flirting again and Jim teasingly threatens to "draw little witches all over [her] face".  She is so terrified (?) of this that she backs up until her back hits a wall.  They embrace, but it's all very prudish, then they use the "cold hard facts" line again and I wonder if I was drunk when I thought it was a euphemism.  Is it a fucking euphemism?  Or are the characters that unaware?

"Then we shall get the cold hard facts behind us, quickly."

Oh my god!  This is the first chapter they actually say "Jim Junior" instead of "his son" or "prize" or what-the-fuck.  I do hope they continue to use his name instead of treating him like an object.

Proctor always puts parenthesis around "hung out", implying to me that he's old and views this as hip slang, yet his grammar is atrocious.  It's fine to use it if your characters are speaking--I'll just assume they are using air quotes and they think it's hip slang--but don't do it in prose.

James offers to go with Rose Ann to Colorado to see his sister during the investigation.  Am I supposed to assume that the "best prosecutor in the city" has so little to do that he can take a vacation to Colorado?  And here I thought lawyers/attorneys were busy.

This gem:  "I've always wanted to go to Colorado."  In 2006 when this was copyrighted, what the fuck was there in Colorado that would make you "always want to go"?  I mean, seriously?

I think Proctor was trying to make Jim facetious and charming when Jim asks Rosie dearest if she has ever ridden a horse then tells her that she'll be walking bow-legged.

As someone without Christian goggles on and has actually experienced good sex, this looks like nothing short of "I want to bang you until you walk bow-legged and I am the size of a horse".  Do Christians see it and go "Oh, how cute--he's being silly and his sister probably has horses and he's asking her to go riding with him"?

He picks her up and says she needs "some R and R".  She says that he is an "incurable romanticist."  I assume she says this deadpan with no voice inflection, because Proctor never included any of her reactions to this.

Compliment fucking sandwich:  It cuts off as if the next thing will be a sex scene, and this is normal.  This is how adults behave, especially in a romance novel.  I know it will take a turn, but there it is.

A Father's Discipline: Chapter 3

So we open with gratuitous "aren't I smart" dialogue--great choice, Proctor.  Apparently, she's some super-smart prodigy.  Calling it now:  We'll never see evidence of this.

After the author tongues Rose Ann's little butthole clean, we get to this disaster:

"I gave my team strict orders to find the best defense attorney available for my... well I think of him as my prize."

First, there's a difference between a lawyer and an attorney.  Is she a lawyer or an attorney, Proctor?  Make up your damned mind because the words are not interchangeable.

Second, I feel like a fucking prophet.  Look at my review for Chapter 2.  Now come back here.  What did you notice?  I claimed that James doesn't think of his own damned child as an autonomous human being.  Need I say more?

The worst part is that Rose Ann isn't shocked or taken aback by this in any way.  She just rolls with it like it is perfectly natural to think of one's children as fuck trophies to prove he once got laid.

The prose is not even internally consistent.  In the first sentence, Jimmy-boy gives a waitress his menu.  Later, the waiter gives him his coffee.  Yeah, sure, maybe someone else did something for a coworker, but it seems like an odd decision on the writer's behalf.

"Jim, I bet it's been a long time since a smiling woman waited on you."

I'll wait on you, motherfucker.  Want some wine before you go hunting?

That's just... that's just gross, Proctor.  What the fuck?

Rose Ann goes on to put sugar and cream in his coffee for him like a good properly subjugated slave woman.  I think this is supposed to be sexy talk. You know, like when romance writers have the characters flirt and say things suggestively then go bang later.  But no.  This "sexy" talk is, rather than a witty wordplay revolving around suggestive sex, suggests her serving him in marriage.  Like a good little Christian wife.  Yeah, fuck that right up Rose Ann's shiny starfish.

There's some conversation that goes on for a while.  Meanwhile, I am left to assume that the waiter is just standing there, because the author never mentions that he left.  Personally, I would probably be too shocked to move too, especially when Rose Ann says "Had a lot of practice making coffee for those... men bosses, you know."

Men... bosses?  This is a phrase?  I realize that more men than women are CEO's, but this isn't even about that--men bosses?

"Rose Ann, don't you ever get tired of dealing with cold hard facts?"

There's a necrophiliac penis joke in there somewhere.

"Jim was deeply impressed with Rose Ann."

How?  Impressed by what?  Her personality is as flat as a blank canvas.

"Talking to her was like coming home, to comfort, to refreshment."

Oh, the cliche!  It burns!  GET IT OFF ME!  By all means, use cliches when your characters talk or think, because we do that in real life, but make up something new for your prose!  You're an author--this is supposed to be the fun part!

As for how or why he feels that way, I'll assume Jimboy never dated after his wifey-poo kicked the can.  See, I can do cliches too, Proctor.

Jimmy-boy is just a lonely, unreasonably wealthy attorney who couldn't get a date after his wife died in that tragic wax tadpole accident.  Never says how or why she died, so wax tadpoles is what I'm going with.

"Maybe we could 'hang out' a bit.  It might be easier to get down to some cold hard facts."

My internal narrative now has James pinned as a zombie.  A zombie with a "I need to talk to your manager" haircut and a "cold hard fact" in his pants.

She responds, "Oh, do tell."

"The facts of the case, of course."

So Jimmy was indeed using "cold hard facts" as a euphemism.  Well, that's precious.  He's sexually frustrated.  Makes sense--masturbation being a sin and all.

"... ate most of the meal in silence as they visually studied each other's faces."

As opposed to listening to each other's faces?  Or rubbing their hands all over the other's face?

As for the prose in this scene, there really isn't any.  I've read movie and scripts with more character direction than this.  It is almost entirely dialogue.  Any "action" is done by... having characters announce what they are doing.

"So, your asking, shall we savor this moment?"

If the author had an editor or at least a proof reader, he should have made sure they had graduated middle school.

So anyway, the next day they go down to the beach and they walk with their arms around each other's waists and step perfectly in time with one another like a deranged marching band.

Rose Ann uses the opportunity to witness to him and tell him that Jesus cured her depression and after she accepted the Holy Ghost into her tight little pussy heart, she was happy.  She still has occasional bouts of depression, but all she needed was some good ol' Jesus lovin', as opposed to therapy or medicine, and she was cured and successful.

Useless science.

Useless.  All you will ever need is Jesus.  Everything else is a lie from Satan.  Science never gave us anything, they type out on their keyboard and publish as an e-book, completely missing the irony.

They both say "you know" almost very time they speak in this scene.  It's kinda like, you know, Proctor has never had a real conversation with another adult, you know?

Credit where credit is due:  They have kind of a cute clowning moment where Jim strikes a bodybuilding stance.

James Watkins:  Bodybuilding supermodel rich attorney.

Rose Ann is silly in turn, but this pleasant switch lasts two lines before she goes right back to Jesusing with, "Jim, you seem like a rock of faith with whom one could stand."

Except there are no closing quotation marks, so I am only left to assume that she said the next two sentences out loud, "The two of them moved slowly, yet resolutely within each other's intimate personal space.  Jim found himself gently clearing Rose Ann's beautiful hair from her face."

After the last scene, I can actually believe she said that.

Now, one might assume they'd kiss here.  One would assume wrong.  Great--avoiding a stereotype!  Not so great:  Useless drama.

Rose Ann moves away and reminds him that they have a professional relationship.  I'm a bit surprised that she didn't cite Jesus as her reasoning for not kissing him, but there is no way she did not see this as a date.  He asked her out the day before and was perfectly direct in it.  She even caught on to his euphemism.  They held each other as they walked on the fucking beach.  Who the fuck takes "their son's" lawyer/attorney for a walk on the beach while holding them?  Clearly, I know nothing of attorney-client relationships and this is a standard procedure.  Probably whole classes on it at Liberty University generic law school Rose Ann graduated from in the 10th percentile of her class.

"So... I hope we can get on with the cold hard facts of this case?"

James said that... out loud... to Rose Ann, after they playfully used it as a euphemism for his teeny peeny.  One would think this was in very poor taste, but she apparently doesn't remember their flirting the day before and takes it as a serious statement.

Or they kept romance out of their sex/professional life.  Nothin' wrong with that.

Ha--yeah right.  Rose Ann is a good Christian woman who graduated law school a virgin.

I honestly didn't expect this to be a romance.  That kind of took me by surprise, but I can't say yet if it's pleasant or not.  Yes, this book was selected randomly.  No, I have no regrets!  This is my hill and I will... gracefully retreat on it if necessary because fuck honor.  Thankfully, my life is not at stake and who needs sanity, so I will keep reading this garbage.  It's hilarious.

A Father's Discipline: FanFic

Going forward, I'm going to occasionally write some absolutely terrible and inconsistent fanfiction for the books I review.   Skip them if you like.


Rose Ann left the office with a smile on her chapsticked lips--makeup was the devil's way of tempting men.  She passed by a young, sinful slut wearing a skirt that exposed her knees.  Her lips curved into a distasteful grimace.  Harlot, she thought.

A man and a woman stood at the crosswalk holding hands.  What a nice married couple.

As she neared, she realized it was an un-man--a woman with short hair in a loose plaid shirt.  Homosexuals, she bristled.  The world was a sinful, horrible place.  She stared forward, waiting for the light to turn, whispering a quick prayer to Baby Jesus.

"... Ooo, we should go to the drag show tonight," one of the lesbians said to the other.

What on God's green earth was that?  Was it a slang term?  Certainly not a Christian thing.

"That sounds like fun."

"My friend--you remember Bra De Lei?  She's performing tonight."

"Oh, yeah.  I miss Brad.  We never hang out any more."

It was like listening to a foreign language.  She wished she could shut her ears.  Hear no evil.

The light turned and she hurried across, walking faster than the female lesbian, who had shod her feet like the devil's hooves in red pumps.

She made it without further incident to her car in the parking lot--something she and her father had picked out together.  She, of course, made no decisions without a man's approval, as the Good Lord intended, for women were the glory of man (I Corinthians 11:7-9).

She slid into the seat and started the car.  The station played a nice worship song.  She never got tired of them, even if they had been recycling the exact same songs for as long as she had been alive.  It filled her with such joy after seeing so much sin that she clasped her hands and bowed her head in prayer.  Tears filled her eyes as she spoke to her Jesus.  A lightness filled her heart--the warmth of God's Eternal Love.  It seeped through her veins, setting her on a Holy Fire.  It pooled in her secret region where she never touched, filling her with a holy love no mortal pleasure could ever equal.  The Lord took her, spilling out of her mouth.  She lifted her head, praising Jesus' name in his Holiest of Tongues.  Tears stung her eyes as the sheer joy rushed through her body, sliding electric through her being.  It tingled under her skin, raising the fine hair at the back of her neck.

She held her hands up the Lord, offering herself to him.  "Use me, Lord!" she moaned.  "Fill me with your Spirit!"

A floodgate opened inside her as the Lord filled her, emptying her out and filling her with Him.  His eternal love enveloped her, cocooning her frail, temporal body and purifying her immortal soul.  It blessed her with His Holiness and Love.  The Spirit left her and she panted as she caught her breath, sweat beaded on her forehead.

Her panties were soaked.

A Father's Discipline: Chapter 2

Since the last one was so short, here's Chapter 2, but don't get used to it.

This chapter starts with some dialogue between Jimmy-boy and a prison guard at a juvenile detention center.  Apparently, his sixteen year old son became the kingpin of a drug cartel.  How?  That would make a much more interesting story.

However, since the author is disinterested in discussing anything interesting and only discusses the fallout, I am going to assume his son had a pot plant and sold a couple joints to some friends.  It's right on par with the rest of this book.

The guard says:  "All I am ordered to do this."

I recognize that sometimes people misspeak in real life.  Generous, kind-hearted carbon-based life form that I am, I can attribute this to that.  Once.  Even if most authors don't include this.

Jim tries to pull the "Do you know who I am!?" with the prison guard.

This is Jim's official haircut in my mind until proven otherwise.

"Just one more touch of the guard's hands and he would have slugged him senseless.  How degrading it was."

Oh, you mean like the cavity checks you've subjected your son and countless other people to?

The guard keeps interrupting Jim-boy.  Seriously, he's cut him off three times in one brief conversation.  That might amount to some of Jim's jimmies being rustled, but most of his irritation comes from being subjected to having to remove things from his pockets.  Like you do at an airport.  But you see, our hero is a prosecuting attorney and that means he's important and important people shouldn't be subjected to standards.  They're special.  The entitlement--oh Flying Spaghetti Monster.

"The juvenile was his sixteen-year old son, the one he cherished enough to give his complete name."

What does that say about any other potential kids?  "We should name them all Jimmy, Mrs. Watkins.  If we don't, it means we don't care about the others as much."  Or, more likely, he just loves this one best because he has a penis and is his firstborn son, because that's important for some reason.  Seriously though, why bother having a Junior?  Oh, I just didn't know what to name my kid.  Or is it really about stroking your own damned ego's little peen?  There are probably valid, decent reasons for this, but none are offered.

"My boy, in these demeaning generic clothes," Jim grieved to himself.  "How can it be?"

Oh, sweet Princess Peach, what a piece of shit.  Are you wearing... *dun dun duuuuunnnn* generic clothing?  The horror!  Yeah, guys, this is what we mean when we say words like "privilege" and "entitlement."

Jim focuses so completely on the generic clothing and "abhorrent lack of decor" that one wonders if he had actually seen another prison before.  The book claims earlier in the chapter that he has, but I'm suspicious.  Also, why the fuck does a bare table cause him so much grief?  Dude, you obviously grew up wealthy.

Some part of me genuinely hopes this is a life-changing experience for old Jimbo and he changes his career path to help the disenfranchised, stop for-profit prisons, lobby for help for addicts instead of prison, and tries to end the war on drugs.  Another part of me laughs and says, "Yeah, fucking right."

"Yes, the designer of this place was successful.  They were suffering."

This would have been a perfect opportunity to utilize ye olde semi-colon.

...

What the fuck, dude?  People are suffering because they have an unpainted table with no decor and plain white walls?  Seriously?

What we really need are our walls painted a nice salmon color and maybe a tablecloth...

Fuck you, James.  Seriously, fuck you.

The word choice for this scene is simultaneously interesting and slightly horrifying if you are obsessive like me and over-analyze things.

James sits with his son for fifteen minutes and says nineteen words to him, not a single one of which is "I'm sorry" or "I want to help you" or anything of that nature.  More disturbing, not once does the author, in James' perspective, ever mention young Master Jim's name.  He is consistently "his beloved son" or just "his son", or, even worse "his 'prize'".  Even other characters only refer to him as "your son".  This bothers me because it subtly implies that Drug Lord Jim isn't really seen as a person, but merely as an extension of James.  I do some writing occasionally as a hobby, and when a character isn't important or I want the reader to remember that character a particular way, they don't need a name.  So why does Drug Lord Jim not get a name himself?

Maybe I'm giving Proctor too much credit.

Drug Lord Jim's defense lawyer is a woman.  This so surprises James that when his secretary announces the lawyer's arrival his only response is:  "Her?"

Rose Ann Sharone, defense lawyer, is described as a "tremendous" defense lawyer, whatever that means and is from "Anderson, Kennedy and Holms".  Oxford comma, dude.

So how does Jimmy boy respond to her?  "Do have a seat in this comfortable chair."

Who the fuck talks like that?

She explains that she has been with her company for a year and this is her first assignment.  What the fuck was she doing for a whole year?  Sitting on her ass?  I'm going to assume it involved lipstick on Anderson, Kennedy and Holms' collective foreskins.  She says she "prayed about" her first case.  So, what, women are only allowed to take cases after everyone prays and they decide that the Magic Sky Wizard says yes?  Her first case since working there a whole fucking year?

"This woman has real class, from within." -- Jim's thoughts on Rose Ann.

Classy.

He asks her out to dinner.  I guess we are supposed to assume that he is super suave and intelligent, using deductive reasoning, such as she doesn't introduce herself as "Mrs." and doesn't have a ring on her finger.  How very respectful of him to assume she isn't in a relationship with someone.  Seriously, Jim, go fuck yourself.

Rose Ann is all aflutter at his "intelligence" and professionalism.  She ascertains that he is not married (we all know that no Christian men ever have children out of wedlock) and accepts.



Since this is the first chapter that isn't just a summarizing of events, the actual prose is terrible.  "Much to his grief, however, this was a bitter reality."  Or "his mind was in such a blur..."  This is called "telling" rather than showing.  Yeah, he's sad--fine.  But all you've done is tell me repeatedly that he's sad.  You haven't shown me a grieving man, Proctor.  You've pointed to some guy and sad "he's sad."

Entitled little piece of goat vomit.

A Father's Discipline by Roy E Proctor: Chapter 1

(This is a Christian fiction book.)

Chapter One is, I shit you not, a blurb of an imaginary prequel to this book.

I honestly thought I had somehow clicked on the wrong link or this was supposed to be the opening page and it would move on to the real Chapter One, but no.  It’s a blurb.  I was so shocked by it that I went back to it twice to make sure.  But, no.  At the top of the blurb reads:  Chapter One.

Honestly, the "blurb" might have made a decent book.  Kind of tragic, if a little cliched: A father spearheading the war on drugs and cracking down on a criminal cartel headed by… none other than his own son!  *clutches pearls*

So he had to make the tough choice of burying it or prosecuting his own kid.

“... the Lord chose Jim to be a prosecutor for justice.”

So he prosecutes his son.

We all know that we humans don’t make any of our own decisions--noooope.  God wanted you to send all those sinful pot-smokers to prison, James R. Watkins.  

Dangerous criminal!

Proctor must think his audience has the memory of a rock because he repeats the main character's full name three times in what you may generously call five paragraphs.

All the same, I’ll give the character points for sticking to his values and not showing favoritism to his kid, even if I disagree with the war on drugs nonsense.

If I can expect this same style throughout every chapter, I’m going to fly through this.